Sunday, June 13, 2004

don't wanna think about things

sorry nicholas. that i keep shutting you out. for good reason, just unknown to you and maybe even me.

lousy shitty scary day yesterday/day before
mind keeps playing back, not getting any work done - bad
music seems therapeutic but things keep flashing in my mind.
worse than a toothache or a migraine, it won't go away.
no better than a heartache, it just won't leave me alone.
overrides the loudest, saddest, happiest, supposedlytherapeutic music.

i need to do work. i will do work. i must study. but i don't want to think. about anything. my mind is too powerful haha. sat down and typed, and deleted everything except what you read here. but the words stay in my head and i can't help but wanna type some more. bang on the keyboard till everything's better. fiddle with the letters till i find a way to turn back time. going to watch tv.

anyway dad just lectured me cos i apparently caused a conflict. it's really very stupid to scold me when i don't know wth you're talking about. silly old man, sometimes things aren't what they seem, and daughters have problems of their own other than mere sibling rivalry (which i don't think even exists now) so going on about whatever you went on about probably just soured things between my brother and i cos we both were innocent and content till you came and blamed us both for making each other unhappy.

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