20 months.

i'm sorry i don't have a clue what i'm doing. to you, to me. if there's even anything to begin with, that is. the further apart we are, the more dependent i feel. but there are moments, not of fleeting despair, but rather, long minutes of awkwardness, remorse and a sense of impending doom, when i recall what i did to the two, or was it three, before you. perhaps fortunately, those moments are not the same moments as when you're next to me. there are no bad times when the time is spent with you, i sure wish there'll be more of such times.

but. i'm not sure. until you say you are. don't play with me, because i don't have a clue what i'm doing. to you. to me. and i may just be playing too. sorry, i just don't know it yet. don't give me hope when there is none. but i don't want to listen, if you have only that to say. do i do that to you too? it's so certain i'm so afraid every little thing will come and ruin it. argh. please, i'm not insane. just crazy.

20 months of the dojo in ri. sad to say i didn't go for 7/8 months of it. never had sushi with them, never played bridge with anyone, never watched movies with them (only irobot but that was with the guys). it's sad now it's over. and i can't even bring myself to go back. if someone's gonna be there, i don't think i can make it happen. pah. all the muscles and skills may die out in a month, lucky thing is, 20 months isn't the longest time a friendship can last. nope, no way will a friendship fade so fast. i hope. sure i only ever talk to one or two of you. but it's enough to keep me grinning the whole day just knowing i belong somewhere in someone's life.
p.s. hai. i really hate studying. and hello to everyone, did you miss me? i didn't switch on my computer for so long! be proud of me =p